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Sunday, 13 December 2009

True Love

I feel I may be at a threshold. I might be wrong because I think I have visited this place before, but I am here once again...
As I reflect back tonight, I can think of 3 great loves in my life. One, the last, was completely unexplored but I know a soul match when i feel it and had I gotten to know this guy I know I would have deeply connected w/him.
My two remaining great loves--I am so grateful for the experiences they gave me and the love that they opened my heart too. I know in a perfect world I would have been happy with a lifetime with these guys.
Yet, how cruel is fate, that in this world--in reality, you end up with one that you don't have the burning passion for but one who is nevertheless a loving man who would make a great match? I somehow feel I will end up with a man that I do not ardently love but I will come to love nonetheless. A love that will never equal the true soul-felt desire and connection of my 3 great loves but our love will create a family--and my legacy.
Why is life as such? How can we be made to burn ardently in mind and body for one being and get placed with another? I know my life will not go to my great loves. I believe my life will go to a man who will consistently care for me and for our family but this will not be a man that my soul longs for.
It has not come true yet but I feel it. I am on the cusp. Maybe fate will have it's fill of this game it plays with my heart and leave me to spend my life with a great love and eternally make a peaceful soul out of me but I have great doubt that shall be true.
That brings me to my first love. Not a great love--a soul mate, but a learning love and a love that was strong and compassionate while it lived. All learning loves must die and this one died, as it should. I have no remorse for its passing and no regrets for anything about it. It was beautiful while it lasted. I will never forget it and I am eternally blessed by it because it affected me for a lifetime. My learning love gave me almost everything I needed to love right--love openly.
Then, I believe I had 3 crushes that were of significance in my life. They taught me a lot about disappointment and longing. They also showed me what was truly not for me. I believe they were perhaps a signal of what I must be careful of when it comes to my heart.
What will happen next? I have waited my whole life, nearly 3 decades, to know. I am I ready now?

Sunday, 01 November 2009

Perfection

I have a lot of criticism for the United States but do not mistake that for me not loving this country. No society will ever be perfect and it's not perfection I'm asking for when I criticize this country. If you haven't been outside of the United States then you really don't know what you have here at home. I may complain about the perceived ills of our society but I love it enough to help change it. I love it enough to work to improve it. I believe it can be improved. Love it or hate it or both, I'm here to stay for good.
When you think you love something, do you love it enough to help change it when it's wrong? Or when the situation arises where a lot of difficulties are presented, do you leave? I guess that's where loyalty comes in. You are loyal to what you love.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Love should not have strings attached

There is no right way to love someone but are there better ways to love than others?
Here are my suppositions:
If it's not going to hurt them, support the dreams of the ones you love unconditionally.
If they have to change themselves to earn your love then you should walk away or let them go.
Do not place conditions on your love based on the object of your love's dreams.
Everyone needs love; no exceptions.
Love is a greater motivator than fear outside of the business realm.
What has inspired me to bring this up? I'm thinking back on my childhood and comparing how I was raised and how my brother was raised. Although people grow up in the same household they can have entirely different experiences. I always wonder if something had been different how would it affect the way I am today?

Monday, 15 June 2009

An honest life

I've told my share of white lies. Mostly because I don't like to hurt people so sometimes I blur the edges of truth to round off the edges. However, I'd say I live an honest life. I'm not made for pretenses and my mom raised me to be straight forward. In life though, I've met many "actors" who say what they do not mean or speak without conviction. Acting now seems to be a skill that we all need but is not necessary. Society seems to call for fluffing some feathers or stroking some egos in order to get somewhere or something in return. I've now dabbled on both sides of the fence, picking up cues from society of the expectation to act. I'm not entirely comfortable with these pretenses. I don't know why but somehow I find this is synonymous with living a lie.
I'm very much an observer type. In new situations or around new people I often like to just stand back and observe. Because I am observing, I am not actively involved in the act of putting on my own personal show. I think this pushes people away because it comes off as mysterious or suspicious. Yet if people really knew me they'd find that I'm the type of person who's always trying to please and will do everything I can for other people. I'm also not afraid of self sacrifice and because of this am apt to sacrifice my own interests or gains for what I believe is the greater good for the larger community. However, most people will never get to know the side of me that is selfless and generous. I really am a case of what you see is what you get. I've got nothing to hide I'm just afraid that many people don't know what they're looking at and that will prevent them from getting to know me.
Sometimes I'm not sure if the problem is really me and the pressure I put on myself to act the part to please people. Or is not society putting on the pressure to act and play the game if I want to be a part of it and get ahead? I often think that girls are expected to be bubbly, garrulous and make friends easily. I'm only that girl sometimes and other times the observer. I'm not so much interested in inflating the perception of me to gain more attention and to gain more friends. I want people to like me for me, without pretense, yet I feel a dissatisfaction when people misunderstand me. I don't think I've found my balance. What to do?

Monday, 16 March 2009

Inspiring

OK, if you knew my source for this quote you'd probably want to strangle me. Someone might figure out where I got this quote and as pathetic as the source may be it really touched me.
It went something like this," the most important relationship you have in your life is with yourself. Because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."
This has huge relevance for me personally because of my current struggles. Theoretically, I feel like no matter what's going on in your life or who is or isn't in your life at the moment, if the relationship you have with yourself is healthy you will find the strength to be happy with little effort. The relationship you have with yourself should trump all other relationships and it should be one that is strong and steadfast by default. If you have nothing else, you can fall back on it and it will catch you and hold you up.
So what about in practice? Do the most put together individuals have a truly healthy relationship with themselves?. Is it strong enough to pull them through the darkest of nights? Does this really exist? I guess I'd like to believe this is rare, so I don't feel so bad. So I don't feel so weak.
When I heard those words I realized the relationship I have with myself is not strong. Or maybe it's just not strong enough. I have a heartfelt desire to get there but I've found my struggle to reach that pinnacle is really difficult. Everyday mentally, I tell myself there are those with less. Things could be worse. And I get a little reassure with this self encouragement. Scratch a little harder and all that reassurance will bleed out like a severed artery emptying out a vacant hull. I finally admit. I'm quite fragile right now. And I hate it. Though no one knows. No one's scratched hard enough to reveal the truth. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to escape any injury until the day that I have a strong relationship with myself. I will dream of and strive for that day.
Have you achieved this state of self-confidence? Where things may scratch the surface but only leave superficial marks because you have the shield of a healthy relationship with yourself? If you have, please tell me how to get there.